To Hate What You Love Or the Other Way Around

One of the most difficult things through all of this has been realizing that I still have real, true love for this person who has betrayed me so fundamentally. That has really been a central struggle. How do you go about loving someone who in a lot of ways, you hate? How do you reconcile the person you have known for as long as you can remember, with their secrets? I think most young adults have some kinds of revelations about their parents...realizing that they are full and flawed people who have made mistakes and decisions that you might not agree with. This experience has been like that, but in overdrive.

For some reason, it was a much more natural process to see the flaws in the rest of my parental figures(biological mom, biological dad, and stepmother). My naturally analytical mind has been picking these poor people apart since I knew how to think. Mom doesn't know how to handle stress, Dad's never there when we need him, etc. etc. For some inexplicable reason however, my step father was mostly immune to these types of criticism. He has always been flawed, no doubt, but somehow the story of him overpowered him as a reality. Three tours in Iraq, been in love with my mom since he was a teenager, taught me how to ride a bike. These are the things we all focused on. But now... Are these things no longer true? Or are they just no longer enough?

Maybe it's just that for the first time, I am seeing him as a whole person, and let me tell you... the view is complicated. After his initial arrest, more and more truths have been revealed. We learned that my step father was sexually abused repeatedly over a long period of time while he was away at boarding school. He even ran away at one point and told his mother what was happening, but she just sent him back. As a psychology major i know about the relationship between abuse, and abusive behavior, but what do i do with that? Does it excuse him hiding outside of my sister's window and taking pictures of her? 100% no, not even close. Let me say that again, NO! NONONONO! That is something I doubt I will ever get past, but do I feel for him? For the struggles he's faced and the shame and guilt he must have been carrying around for all of these years? The short answer is yes, I do feel for him. I have an empathetic personality and I can't help but put myself in other people's shoes. However, those feelings of empathy really just complicate things for me.

I feel so bogged down by all of these conflicting emotions that shouldn't be able to coexist! But they do! I feel love and hate and anger and understanding all at the same time, and it really depends on the moment which one is the strongest. So the real question (which I'm pretty certain has no answer) is what the FUCK am i supposed to do with all of this?



-Dani

To Begin...

We are Dani and Kati, twenty one year old twin sisters currently living and going to school in Colorado. That's not really what this blog is about though; it's about pain and healing and expression and our personal experiences with these things. In June of 2011, our stepfather, who had been like a parent to us since we were seven years old, was arrested for possession of child pornography. It later came out that he had even secretly photographed me (Kati) from outside my window when I was changing as recently as my senior year of high school. Needless to say, coming to terms with this discovery has been heart-wrenching and confusing to say the least. Realizing that someone you loved and trusted is a totally different person than you thought they were is sort of like having to come to terms with their death. It just doesn't make sense no matter how many times you turn it over in your mind. A few days ago, he was convicted of eighteen months in prison (dramatically reduced from his original sentence) and ordered to turn himself in by January 4th, 2012, giving us a good chunk of winter break in the same town as him and certainly a lot of decisions to make. Here we try to make sense of it all in whatever means strikes our fancy at any given time. Our preferred forms of expression include but are not limited to poetry, drawing, collages, short stories, ranting blog posts and water color.