Monday, November 7, 2011

To Hate What You Love Or the Other Way Around

One of the most difficult things through all of this has been realizing that I still have real, true love for this person who has betrayed me so fundamentally. That has really been a central struggle. How do you go about loving someone who in a lot of ways, you hate? How do you reconcile the person you have known for as long as you can remember, with their secrets? I think most young adults have some kinds of revelations about their parents...realizing that they are full and flawed people who have made mistakes and decisions that you might not agree with. This experience has been like that, but in overdrive.
For some reason, it was a much more natural process to see the flaws in the rest of my parental figures(biological mom, biological dad, and stepmother). My naturally analytical mind has been picking these poor people apart since I knew how to think. Mom doesn't know how to handle stress, Dad's never there when we need him, etc. etc. For some inexplicable reason however, my step father was mostly immune to these types of criticism. He has always been flawed, no doubt, but somehow the story of him overpowered him as a reality. Three tours in Iraq, been in love with my mom since he was a teenager, taught me how to ride a bike. These are the things we all focused on. But now... Are these things no longer true? Or are they just no longer enough?
Maybe it's just that for the first time, I am seeing him as a whole person, and let me tell you... the view is complicated. After his initial arrest, more and more truths have been revealed. We learned that my step father was sexually abused repeatedly over a long period of time while he was away at boarding school. He even ran away at one point and told his mother what was happening, but she just sent him back. As a psychology major i know about the relationship between abuse, and abusive behavior, but what do i do with that? Does it excuse him hiding outside of my sister's window and taking pictures of her? 100% no, not even close. Let me say that again, NO! NONONONO! That is something I doubt I will ever get past, but do I feel for him? For the struggles he's faced and the shame and guilt he must have been carrying around for all of these years? The short answer is yes, I do feel for him. I have an empathetic personality and I can't help but put myself in other people's shoes. However, those feelings of empathy really just complicate things for me.
I feel so bogged down by all of these conflicting emotions that shouldn't be able to coexist! But they do! I feel love and hate and anger and understanding all at the same time, and it really depends on the moment which one is the strongest. So the real question (which I'm pretty certain has no answer) is what the FUCK am i supposed to do with all of this?



  1. I know it's hard, but you are experiencing adulthood. It's not that your parents are "FLAWED" (at least no more that anyone else) it's that you are breaking away from a time when you put your parents on the same level as GOD and all perfection. You have to realize, your parents love you... they MUST, they raised you of every day of your life... when you cried, they comforted you and held you through your times of need. It's not about being perfect, it's about the love we demonstrate for each other. I'm sure even your papa loves you more than he can bare, even if he has been gone most of the time.

    As for this person who has betrayed you - you'll get through it in time. We ALL go through at least one experience where we feel hurt and betrayed, but more than likey several - it's bound to happen. What do you do? Forgive them, be the better person and learn to be stronger. That way, not only are you a better friend, lover and parent but you also have advice for the future person in need of comfort.

    My two cents :)
    Aya ♥ Strawberry Koi

  2. Thank you for your beautiful comment! Forgiveness is hard, but maybe the ultimate goal in all this? I don' plan to forget, but I do not wish to hold any hate in my heart. I think I need to feel angry, and I will, but eventually I hope to find some peace. I don't know what that will look like yet, but I'll keep writing until I find it. thanks for your kind words and support!